ShrinkingDiva's Still Going Strong

I have to stop doing that! Where have I been? I know, it's been a while. Believe it or not, I've been extremely busy working out at the gym and listening to Jillian Michaels' podcasts. I barely remember how to use my television, except on Tuesdays of course when Biggest Loser is on!



My blog title is pretty much self-explanatory. I'm still at it, still going strong and enjoying every minute of it. It's hard to believe that it took me 26 years (I'm 26) to get here and finally start to do something good for myself. I've been good and haven't given in to temptations. I didn't cut out everything cold turkey, I do indulge at time but intelligently and with moderation. I'll have a piece of cake or chocolate and not the whole thing times 2,3 even 5 that I did for so long. It's no wonder I got so big.



- What was I afraid of?

It's a question I've been asking myself a lot lately. What was I really afraid of? What caused me to turn to food to solve my problems? Why was I never ever able to believe that I could lose the weight? I'm sure many of you guys can relate to this but food was my drug of choice, it would never let me down. My eating habits were so out of whack just thinking about it makes me want to puke.



2 years ago, I was dealing with a lot of things (work, stress, family issues, etc). I would go to McDonalds and order a BigMac, supersize the fries, had an apple juice to cut down on some of the calories AND added 12 nuggets to that. I would then sneak the food home, lock myself in the basement and ate until I felt numb only to go straight to bed. I would repeat the same thing the very next day several times a week ... And that's just an example. Even though I had been to the gym off and on, exercise back then was a foreign concept to me.



I think it was a way for me to hide those emotions of fear, failure, rejection or loneliness I was feeling. I was afraid to embark on a weight loss journey convinced that I would fail. Shoving food down my throat muted those feelings and that's why I probably did it for so long. I loved it more than I loved myself. In fact, I hated myself. Knowing that I was missing out on so much, it just filled that void. My friends would spend the day with their partner & kids ... well, I had to spend mine with food, again!





I'm absolutely loving this journey of mine, I'm finally getting to know myself.



Enough rambling for now, I'll keep the rest for next time!

Rambling/ Falling off the Weight Loss Wagon

1st of all, I have not fallen off the weight loss wagon!

The journey continues and it will never end! Literally! I've learned so much in the past 6 months about diets, health and fitness. I've learned from my past mistakes and I'm more than happy that I did. I'm sure not going to let them happen again.

I sat down the other day and finally got it! No wonder I got so heavy. I was eating the wrong type of food, too many of it! "Weight loss/weight gain is a calorie equation". I did the math and it all adds up. 235 lbs on a 5'5" frame? What the heck was I thinking? Where the heck was I?

Absent? I know. Clueless? For sure! Uninformed? Of course !!! I'm now 42 pounds lighter and still going strong. I'm loving every minute of it.

Even though I'm enjoying every minute of it, I will admit that I'm somewhat scared at the same time. If Oprah, the richest and most influencable woman out there, is struggling with her weight, how can good old me make it? She's the Queen of yo-yo diets. She has lost and gained the same 50-60-70 time and time again. And I've been there too, we've all been.

Losing weight & looking great and having people praising our accomplishment only to regain it (and more) and start over. It's a never-ending vicious circle.

I'm a huge fan of "The Biggest Loser". It scares me to see how many "Losers" have put the weight back on. Just to name of few, Ryan or Erik under different circumstances of course. Gaining the weight is sooo easy, losing it hard enough as it is but maintaining is where the true battle begins.

I keep reminding myself AND others that I am NOT on a diet. This is a change of lifestyle. Diets don't work, they never did & never will. It's been a least 6 months and I get a high when I exercise, I'm absolutely loving it and always looking forward to it. I cannot wait to reach my goal weight as I don't even remember when I weighed 150 lbs (and I'm only 26). I am totally clueless! In the midst of all that, life happens. Stress, deaths, pregnancy, loneliness, boredom, hard times,etc.

Turning to food is what got me to 235lbs. After watching that Oprah episode, my fear of failure has reappeared once again but this time, I will not let it dictate my life. I'm much stronger than that. I truly do not want to go back there.

This journey's allowing me to find the roots of my previous weight gain. I ate my emotions. I am not a cryer, at least not publicly. When I cry, it's in the privacy of my own home. Closest friends of mine have yet to see me shed a tear. I ate to be "part of the crowd". Food brings people together. My social life used to revolve around food and eating out. I was to weak to say refuse to go to these gatherings.

I used the weight as a shield/protection. If people didn't like me, it was only because I was fat. If a guy wasn't into me, it was because of my weight. Not being popular at school to me was because of my weight. Not getting the jobs I wanted was because of my weight. Suffice it to say, I blamed it for everything that went wrong in my life.

Why did I put up with it? For the following reasons; "I've been fat all my life" or "I tried losing weight but can't" or "I'm genetically predisposed to being fat". Truth is, I never knew I had it in me.

To get back to the main idea of this blog, fear of failure (putting the weight back on), am I the only one feeling this way?

Weight Loss Battle

Onederland & Story About my Weight

Onederland feels absolutely great, I can't complain. What a great feeling to be in Onederland but by having done it the right way. 8 years ago when I graduated from high school, my highest weight ranged between 210-215 lbs. Fed up of the extra weight, I decided to go on a diet. Yes, a diet NOT a lifestyle change. I did it my way: calorie restricted & no carbs allowed. I'm guessing that I consumed at the most 700 calories a day. I went to eating fast food 3 times/day everyday to drastically reducing my calorie intake so it's no wonder the weight came off that quickly!

I got down to 180 lbs and it felt great having people complimenting you every second of every day. 180lbs without exercise! At 18, I had all the attention I've ever wanted and more. Since I had reached my goal weight, I felt comfortable enough to reincorporate the same foods that had made me heavy. I thought I had the whole concept of "moderation & willpower" figured out. In a blink of an eye, I had gained the weight back. 8 years later, I found myself weighing 235 lbs. Yikes!

8 years later (I'm now 25), I'm realizing how much the extra weight has robbed me from things especially from dating. It's hard to openly admit to friends & family, that you've never dated or been intimate while other people your age have or are having children, getting married and such ... I've made up imaginary guy friends, boyfriends because I didn't want to feel like a loser. Today, I completely avoid the topic.

With knowing what I know now about health and fitness, diets don't work! The minute you go back to your old ways, the weight will come back and more. When I look back at it, I can believe how stupid I was. Actually, I was young, naive and uninformed.

I lost 38 pounds (went from 235 to 197) and I've got 47 more pounds to go!

Superficial People

Shallow people ...
I can't believe how superficial people can be. I've been discriminated against all my life because of my weight so that's nothing new to me. For the first time in years, I'm starting to feel good about myself. I'm noticing the changes in my body and words can't describe how great it feels.

I go to the gym 5 to 6 times a week, I literally live there. The manager was recruiting people for a videoclip they're making to promote the gym and they needed about 10 to 15 people. The idea was to film a step class from one of the instructors. I love step and I'm quite good at it (and no, I'm not showing off). I saw the gym owner approaching people for the video. They all had one thing in common: good looking girls & guys in their mid-twenties/early thirties with gorgeous bodies and guys with 6 packs and all.

I was never approached and I frustrated me. A friend of mine was chosen and she's the lucky one with the nice body but never ever did aerobics in her life. She's never had issues with her weight and goes to the gym 3 times a month maximum. She admitted to me that she probably ruined the whole thing because she's never done step in her life! She had the hardest time following the choreography and was out of breath before the warm-up was over.

The thing that frustrates me the most is not that I wasn't chosen. What irritates me the most is that the people that were chosen are not representative of the people who go to the gym that is old & young, fit & fat, black or white, etc. I feared the gym for many years because of that because I thought I wouldn't fit in.

It made me feel like I wasn't good enough again and it sucks. I'm getting over it but it's so frustrating! Can't wait to see how that video will turn up ...

Alright, enough!

Later

I'm So Excited and I Just Can't Hide It!

I'll keep this short, promise. I've hit another milestone, I'm finally under 200lbs, 197lbs to be exact! Hard work is paying off! I still have "fat days", I guess everybody does. Sometimes, I "can't" see the changes in my body but today it's been confirmed by practically every single moving thing: "you look different", "have you lost weight?", "where's the other half of you?", "looking great", etc ...

Just loving it! 47 more pounds 'til my goal weight!

Ranting ...

Yes! I need to get new clothes. It's nothing new but it's pretty official now. I'm drowning in most of pants that even a blind person can notice. I guess my hard work is definitely paying off. Even though the weight isn't coming off as fast as I would like (I know pulling Biggest Loser numbers is impossible), I'm glad that I'm still shedding some pounds.

I have and must go shopping but I hate it! There's nothing worse than walking into a store, seeing some nice clothes and then picking the largest size only to find out that it doesn't fit! It really does hurt one's ego and unfortunately I've been there way too many times.

2008 is barely over, time sure flies. My 26th (yikes) birthday is approaching and looking back at things, I've let my weight rob me from life's pleasures. I've missed out a lot! I'm in control now & there's no going back.

A Jillian Michaels Blog: Ditch the Fear of Screwing Up

I just love Jillian, she's the best! I'm attributing my success to her and she's my motivation. Yeah, I know, I haven't had the chance to meet her ... yet! Thanks Jillian !
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Ditch the Fear of Screwing Up (Jillian Michaels).

Let me give you a scenario. You were working out hard and eating right, but then you had one slip-up. You skipped a workout one day, or you overstuffed yourself at dinner one night. So then you decided this whole diet-and-exercise thing wasn't worth your while anymore because you "messed up." So now you're ignoring your workouts and eating crappy food — just because you felt like it was all or nothing. Well buddy, this attitude — this perfectionism and fear of failure — is the reason you're not finding success. It's time to let go of the idea that you can be perfect at this weight-loss journey — because that will NEVER happen! I'm just going to say it. You're going to fall short sometimes at some things. When it comes to weight-loss, it's guaranteed. There's no straight line from Point A to Point B. You can't just say, "I'm 200 pounds on Day 1, and I'll be 150 pounds on Day 54." There are weight-loss plateaus, bad weeks, parties, holidays, etc., etc. You try as best as you can, but I'm telling you right now it's absolutely NOT all gonna come altogether at once.

Being ambitious is a very good thing — in my life, I wouldn't have gotten to where I am if I didn't reach as high as I could. But if your ambition doesn't come with a little flexibility, you're setting yourself up for disappointment and lost motivation. If you don't allow for setbacks, you're only going to sabotage yourself. As long as you keep trying as hard as you can, you WILL get to your goal. Don't give up halfway through your journey because you didn't hit your goal at the precise moment you thought you would! You HAVE to abandon perfectionism and lose the all-or-nothing attitude. It can be less than 100 percent of what you had envisioned and still be success. The only way you can truly fail is to give up on yourself. One really common manifestation of the fear of failure is procrastination. If you're the person who always says "I'll start exercising next week," or "I'm going to eat just one more triple-decker bacon cheeseburger, then I'll start eating healthy," you need to address the fear underneath this.

We've ALL procrastinated at one time or another...but the stakes are a little higher now than when you were writing your Great Gatsby book report. We're talking about your health — don't you want to take that into your own hands? Then do it NOW. Everybody has obstacles to work through, but if you don't even start because you don't believe you have the ability to do it "right," you're just failing yourself. If you don't succeed at first, just give it another shot. One setback doesn't make the whole effort worthless — so don't believe if you had just never tried, then you wouldn't have failed. If you have people in your life who tell you that, you need to get them out of your life or tell them that what you're doing is about YOU. You have to accept the ups and downs as exactly what they are — small wins and small losses that you'll experience throughout the rest of your life. If you're having trouble getting started, or if you're feeling discouraged about not being where you want to be yet, break down your goals into smaller pieces — I promise it really does help bring you focus on the little victories along the way.

Whether you want to lose 10 or 100 pounds, you're not going to do it flawlessly. Accept that now, and don't dwell on the slip-ups. When you get frustrated, beat through that barrier, and become a stronger person for it. Now tell me what you're going to do to abandon the need to do everything perfectly, every time.

xoxo,J