Rambling/ Falling off the Weight Loss Wagon

1st of all, I have not fallen off the weight loss wagon!

The journey continues and it will never end! Literally! I've learned so much in the past 6 months about diets, health and fitness. I've learned from my past mistakes and I'm more than happy that I did. I'm sure not going to let them happen again.

I sat down the other day and finally got it! No wonder I got so heavy. I was eating the wrong type of food, too many of it! "Weight loss/weight gain is a calorie equation". I did the math and it all adds up. 235 lbs on a 5'5" frame? What the heck was I thinking? Where the heck was I?

Absent? I know. Clueless? For sure! Uninformed? Of course !!! I'm now 42 pounds lighter and still going strong. I'm loving every minute of it.

Even though I'm enjoying every minute of it, I will admit that I'm somewhat scared at the same time. If Oprah, the richest and most influencable woman out there, is struggling with her weight, how can good old me make it? She's the Queen of yo-yo diets. She has lost and gained the same 50-60-70 time and time again. And I've been there too, we've all been.

Losing weight & looking great and having people praising our accomplishment only to regain it (and more) and start over. It's a never-ending vicious circle.

I'm a huge fan of "The Biggest Loser". It scares me to see how many "Losers" have put the weight back on. Just to name of few, Ryan or Erik under different circumstances of course. Gaining the weight is sooo easy, losing it hard enough as it is but maintaining is where the true battle begins.

I keep reminding myself AND others that I am NOT on a diet. This is a change of lifestyle. Diets don't work, they never did & never will. It's been a least 6 months and I get a high when I exercise, I'm absolutely loving it and always looking forward to it. I cannot wait to reach my goal weight as I don't even remember when I weighed 150 lbs (and I'm only 26). I am totally clueless! In the midst of all that, life happens. Stress, deaths, pregnancy, loneliness, boredom, hard times,etc.

Turning to food is what got me to 235lbs. After watching that Oprah episode, my fear of failure has reappeared once again but this time, I will not let it dictate my life. I'm much stronger than that. I truly do not want to go back there.

This journey's allowing me to find the roots of my previous weight gain. I ate my emotions. I am not a cryer, at least not publicly. When I cry, it's in the privacy of my own home. Closest friends of mine have yet to see me shed a tear. I ate to be "part of the crowd". Food brings people together. My social life used to revolve around food and eating out. I was to weak to say refuse to go to these gatherings.

I used the weight as a shield/protection. If people didn't like me, it was only because I was fat. If a guy wasn't into me, it was because of my weight. Not being popular at school to me was because of my weight. Not getting the jobs I wanted was because of my weight. Suffice it to say, I blamed it for everything that went wrong in my life.

Why did I put up with it? For the following reasons; "I've been fat all my life" or "I tried losing weight but can't" or "I'm genetically predisposed to being fat". Truth is, I never knew I had it in me.

To get back to the main idea of this blog, fear of failure (putting the weight back on), am I the only one feeling this way?